Pushy Pigs – Dealing With Bullies

 

Pushy Pigs – Dealing With Bullies

Bill Barksdale, Columnist

When I was a kid a person who was aggressive, thoughtless and/or cruel was often referred to as a “pushy pig”.  An unfortunate term since humans have a long history of cruelty toward pigs and other animals that are commercially raised for us to eat.  But that’s another story.  Today I’m writing about the social and psychological problem of “Bullying”.  

What is “bullying”?  “Bullying is aggressive behavior that involves an imbalance of power or strength.”  “Typically, bullying is repeated time and time again.”  “Bullying in the 21^st century has reached a whole new level.  It involves the complex vortex of the internet.”  Bullies “lack a sense of empathy and concern for others.”

I’m indebted to the Willits Public Library and our wonderful Branch Supervisor, Denise Jessie, for helping me locate some of the materials I used to research this topic.  Neither Denise nor the library system are responsible for any of the content of this column.  The topic and choices of content are all mine.

Two resources I relied heavily on are the DVD Stop Bullying Now! Video Toolkit produced by the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services Bullying Campaign, and the book BULLYING, produced by the Current Controversies Series, Noah Berlatsky, Editor.  Both are available at our local library and if you are interested I urge you to check these out to learn more.  There’s a lot more useful information available in these sources and the internet.

When I was in the 5^th grade at recess one of the class “jocks”, Jim, got about six of his buddies to pull me over to a corner of the playground far from any teacher.  Jim had two of his buddies grab me by the arms and hold me back then gave me a terrific punch in the abdomen which knocked all the air out of my lungs leaving me gasping for breath and staggering to stand up.  The seven jock bullies stood around me laughing.  We’re talking about eleven year old kids.

I never knew why this happened but I’ve never forgotten it.  It’s typical bully behavior.  Cowards all, obviously.  It was one kid assaulted by a gang of seven, encouraged by one “leader”.  Don’t know what Jim’s family was like but bullying is often passed from parent to child. It’s not always physical – rumors, gossiping, exclusion and now cyberbullying through social media are part of the mix.

Per my research, bullies are often some of the “cool kids”, jocks, cool girls (I was shocked to learn that there is a lot of bullying by girls toward other girls.), and even by some teachers.  I recall one particularly sadistic high school Physical Ed teacher who loved to put any boy he felt wasn’t “man enough” in the center of the “dodge-ball” circle then stand back watching as that kid got pummeled over and over by the cool kids. He taught bullying, not physical education.  This “teacher” needed psychological help. 

Obviously bully-behavior is just as prevalent in adults as in children.  Children model the behavior of their parents or other authority figures in their lives.  We all learn that way to some extent.  Some research has concluded that bullies often “grow up in homes where there is inconsistent discipline. Parents have big mood swings.  There is little positive parent / child interaction.”  And of course, the children are often abused.

“Children who bully are far more likely to become adults who batter their spouse, abuse their children, and sadly to produce another generation of bullies.” says Randy Wiler, Director Kansas Bullying Prevention Program.  He’s a law enforcement official.   “Bullying is abuse, not conflict.”

We’re seeing bully-behavior show up more often in a big way in politics and even religion these days.  That’s where the term “bully pulpit” comes from. 

Bullied kids often exhibit signs of depression, hopelessness and sometimes consider suicide.  They don’t want to go to school.  Often develop low self-esteem and are made to feel “less than”.  U.S. military private, Danny Chen, committed suicide after constant bullying and harassment by fellow solders while in Afghanistan.  He was only nineteen.  War itself is often bullying on a major scale.

A study by the U.S. Secret Service and U.S. Department of Education has found that in many cases, “student shooters have been bullied, persecuted or injured by others prior to the attack”.  Sometimes it’s just fear tactics used by politicians and misguided community leaders that inspire violence.  People who are manipulated through fear tactics will often give up their freedom in a misguided attempt to try to feel safe, or they become the aggressive psychopath.  In the U.S. today there is a mass-shooting virtually every day!  WTF!

Adult bullying has manifested in violent ways in places like Canada’s Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the National Football League, Police Academies where inappropriate military-style training teaches aggressive abusive behavior toward civilians, immigrant abuse, and in workplace situations, sexism, anti-LGBT & ageism, and most certainly in today’s politics. 

Teachers, who already have stressful jobs are forced to meet unrealistic goals and are often denigrated by politicians and even superiors and parents.  Not to mention the rise in school shootings.  As a society we must seriously address these and other intolerable situations.  Be the one who stands up and says something.  Demand change.  Vote for the politician who actually articulates solutions.  Anyone can bitch but only the honorable, thoughtful leader will offer real workable solutions. No reasonable solutions to offer?  Get out of leadership. 

Begin looking for solutions and more clarity at https://www.stopbullying.gov/.  This site offers suggestions regarding: Cyberbullying, how to prevent & respond – What Schools Can Do, Establishing and enforcing Policies – Federal Law, Civil Rights cases & law – What Kids Can Do, Are you being bullied or are you seeing it at your school, Things you can do to keep your child and community safer.  There are a number of other sites on the net. 

There’s also https://www.nasn.org/home, The National Association of School Nurses.  This organization guides those interested in the specialized skill of School Nursing.  This organization also has a bullying program.

Per the Journal of the American Medical Association “Approximately 30% of all youth in grades 6 – 10 have been bullied or have bullied other children.”  That’s a lot of children subject to abuse by their peers.  Add to that adults who bully children and each other.  Truly an epidemic, often deadly. 

To stop fostering another generation of bullies we need to “teach kids strategies to help themselves when they are in a bullying situation.”  “Who’s going to stop this?  If not you then who?  Take a stand.  Lend a hand.  Stop bullying now.”

One helpful tool that is increasingly used in schools is an anonymous survey given to students to assess the bullying issues in the school.  You can go to https://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/assess-bullying to find help in developing such a survey.  Like rape, students are often reluctant to report bullying out of fear or embarrassment or “the code of silence”.  That’s why an anonymous written survey can be very useful to help identify problem areas in each school. 

Teachers, administrators and parents must all be involved in addressing this problem, along with students.  Students in school are there to be taught how to succeed in life.  “Bullies have a profound impact in making the community feel less safe.  There are consequences for hurting others.  There is a higher likelihood that young bullies will be involved with the criminal justice system.” 

Sometimes antibullying programs don’t work well.  This is a delicate situation that requires thoughtful consideration and research.  Find out what works or doesn’t from others who have worked on this.  The book Bullying talks about this.

Christopher Bergland’s great article in Psychology Today, titled What Tactics Motivate Bullies to Stop Bullying is very informative and well researched.  It’s an easy read and a good resource.  Find it at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201404/what-tactics-motivate-bullies-stop-bullying

Suicide prevention help lines in the U.S. include: 

Crisis Text Line Text HOME to 741741
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline	1-800-273-8255
Trans Lifeline	1-877-565-8860 (for the transgender community)
TrevorLifeline	1-866-488-7386 (for LGBTQ youth)
Veterans Crisis Line	1-800-273-8255, Press 1

https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/index.html

There’s more information on this important topic.  If you care, use the resources I’ve cited and look on the net for more information.  And by the way, Thanks for Caring!

Bill Barksdale was inducted into the 2016 Realtor® Hall of Fame, and served as Chair of the County of Mendocino Assessment Appeals Board settling property tax disputes between the County Assessor & citizens and businesses.  DRE# 01106662, Coldwell Banker Mendo Realty Inc.  Read more of Bill’s columns on his blog at www.bbarksdale.com  707-459-1200

 

PERHAPS THE GARDEN

 

JOURNAL

PERHAPS THE GARDEN

Bill Barksdale, Columnist

The plum trees across the street are in full, dazzling bloom.  Delicate pink blossoms that made it through the frosty mornings and all the days of intermittent snow we’ve had.  There is a mystery to Life.  A kind of gentle, fierce beauty.  Nature’s rhythm.

The median strip of ground between our sidewalk and the street is crowded with the brilliant yellow of blooming daffodils, one of nature’s hardy delicate beauties.  For most of the year this neglected strip is an embarrassing weed patch that I keep meaning to do some sort of drought-tolerant landscaping to, but never seem to get around to, but in the spring it’s the showplace of the neighborhood thanks to these tenacious daffys that care nothing about me or my neglect.

The only other plant I know of that is as enduring is the evil ivy.  My advice, never plant it!!!  It smothers every other plant, climbs trees and strangles them, breaks up foundations and sidewalks, destroys house siding and fences.  If it climbs up a tree the only solution I know of is to cut the stems off near the ground then again up two or three feet and let it die.  In a couple of years you may be able to yank its dead tangles down – never while standing on a ladder!

I learned about ladder use outdoors the hard way.  A typical four-footed ladder is extremely dangerous outside.  One leg will often sink into the ground and you will fall.  This happened to me and I have the lasting battle scars and injuries as a reminder.  A friend died after falling backwards just three feet to the ground. If you must use a ladder outside invest in an orchard ladder – one of those three-footed things with curved legs and a pole, resembling the Eiffel Tower.  This is the only ladder to use on ground.  And NEVER yank anything while standing on any kind of ladder.  It can be literally deadly to do so. 

Richard Jeske comes to our house each year to prune our fruit trees so that one never need stand on a ladder to pick the fruit.  Richard refuses to stand on a ladder.  A very wise man.

We live in a time when it’s easy to get lost in other people’s thoughts.  One of the traps of media of all types – particularly social media and television.  For me, my quiet mornings, sitting and writing a few pages while I sip my cup of tea – helps me to examine the thoughts going through my own mind.  Sometimes disturbing.  At other times I am able to quiet my mind and appreciate another part of consciousness that is at peace.

I’m rereading a book I love, for the fifth time, called From the Ground Up – The Story of A First Garden by Amy Stewart.  Every year or two this poetic book seems to come to mind just when I need to be reminded of the wisdom it shares.  One thing it reminds me of is what a wonderful place we are fortunate enough to live in.  A place of natural beauty, of life literally springing out of the ground. 

Of course we don’t know what Nature has in store for us much of the time.  We do know that the seasons will change, and here in the Pacific Northwest, we will actually experience those seasons.  In nature there are sunny warm times and rain, snow and cold.  Our long often hot summers sometimes bring fire, nature’s way of clearing out the old dead stuff to make way for new life, regeneration. 

Nature’s way is not always to human’s liking.  We sometimes forget that we are, in the big scheme of things, no more than part of Nature. We can arrogantly forget or ignore that truth, then nature reminds us.  Yes, lately especially – once again – we sometimes think that through clear-cutting and poisons or war and violence we are somehow in control, but that’s only an illusion.  As the old bumper sticker said “Nature Bats Last”.  Always important to remember.

I’ve just finished Peter Zeihan’s book The End of the World is Just the Beginning – Mapping the Collapse of Globalization.  A disturbing title, but fascining book.  Mr. Zeihan is a geopolitical strategist and researcher who consults with institutions all over the world.  He’s made a detailed study of the planet locating the places with the best, and worst, food-growing conditions - also where often scarce minerals and other resources are located.

In general, his hypothesis is that this very interconnected world humans have created that depends on safe and affordable shipping of goods and products, and of resources that only exist often in very limited locations on the planet, and depends on international cooperation - is winding down.  Much of this super safe shipping is largely only possible because the U.S. military keeps the seas safe for shipping.  No other nation has that capacity.  I have to add here that I admire long-haul truck drivers, which are part of this system.  Without them, we’d be out of food in our little town within days. 

The U.S. with its two large coast lines, lots of reasonably flat, land suitable for growing food, plus a large fuel supply – and reasonably good relations with our sister nations of Canada and Mexico – all combine to help this part of the world be in a good position to survive the collapse of globalization, should it occur.

Many other nations are not in such a good positon, such as China which has a rapidly aging population but not enough young people to keep up with its accelerated over-industrialization that depends on importing raw materials to be manufactured into something and shipped to world markets.  It also lacks the geographical capacity to produce adequate food for its large population. 

Populations grew too large in some areas because of the abundance of convenient shipping, including the shipping of petroleum which fuels much of the world for the time being.  He suggests that the production of solar cells has a big resources footprint since the elements that make those cells & storage batteries possible come from all over the world.  Hopefully someday renewable energy will replace fossil fuels with improved technology but currently not enough energy to replace oil.  We need to work on good alternatives to fossil fuels.  Conservation of energy use is the major starting place.

Adequate food production depends on modern developments in farming he thinks, and there is way too much demand for “meat” which requires huge resources to produce, an appetite that is not sustainable.  There are healthy alternatives to meat.  Cutting back is better for your health and the planet. 

Enough said about Mr. Zeihan’s research and thoughts.  Other than to say, if he’s right, humans are out of sync with Nature and unavoidable “adjustments” are inevitable.  Time to focus on more localized “economies of scale”, and appropriate population growth, and not think that nothing will change.  Good reason to support local small farmers.  They are integral to a secure food future.  Change is one thing we can count on.  Those changes are becoming more self-evident to those paying attention. 

My small backyard garden is beginning to call to me lately.  I’ve already planted broccoli, which appears to be doing well despite some frosty mornings as I write this.  I recently sprayed my fruit trees with dormant oil in an attempt to control the coddling moths that often get into my apples.  They haven’t started to bud yet.  Soon I’ll begin preparing garden soil with compost and manure plus whatever else the soil needs so there are sufficient natural nutrients like nitrogen, phosphorous and potassium along with those other things that lightens our often clay-heavy soils.  Plants and worms need soil that they can root around in.  Humble worms are essential to healthy soil, and thus, healthy gardens.

Many genetically modified crops are a dead end.  They kill the insects that pollinate our crops and other fauna.  They pollute and kill the soil then run off into waterways and pollute our drinking water – and cost farmers billions of dollars with the false promise of perpetually larger crops.  What a load of horseshit, and not the good kind. 

We have to be wise about water usage in our climate where it doesn’t rain for at least half of the year.  Our dry, hot summers require the types of plants that can handle this climate.  Wise water usage is essential. Mulch helps hold the moisture in the ground.  Along with aged manure, rotted wood chips and compost, one that I like is rice straw because it doesn’t sprout like other straw.  Unfortunately squash bugs like the cover of straw so I don’t grow squash for the time being.  I’ll need to think about what might work better.  Perhaps you have a healthy secret to keep those pesky-type bugs away – without toxic sprays that make the food unhealthy to consume and that kill pollinator insects – and us.  I’m experimenting with diluted white vinegar this year.

It’s always a good idea to plant the types of flowering plants that attract bees, butterflies and the many other insects that pollinate our fruit trees and all types of plants.  From Nature’s point of view, they are just as important as humans – perhaps more so.  Insects are unquestionably essential to our survival.  Just saying. 

Perhaps the garden will help me find and nurture that part of myself that encourages me to feel better about life.  As I sip my tea and get ready for my morning walk, I notice once again the plum trees across the street, beautiful in the morning sun. 

Everytime We Say Goodbye

 

JOURNAL

Everytime We Say Goodbye

Bill Barksdale, Columnist

I had a somewhat profound and touching experience a couple of days ago.  I woke up unusually early, unable to sleep.  I heard some erratic scratching of little Rudi’s claws on the hall carpet.  He’s not the kind of cat who ever sharpened his claws on the carpet and in any case, this was not a claw-sharpening kind of sound. 

I got up and there was Rudi laying on the floor facing the wall.  “Are you OK little boy”, I said.  He stood but staggered unsteadily then collapsed on the floor.  I lay my hand lightly on his back and he let out two deep, low moans – then stopped breathing.  I waited for quite a while trying to see if I could detect any sign of breathing, but there was none.  He had died. 

He was an old boy, nearly seventeen, and had been slowly deteriorating over the past few months.  Breathing heavily, more difficulty walking despite the pain med I gave him every morning and evening.  He slept a lot, moving from one favorite place to the next for long naps.  Still eating, but less then he used to.  Letting go.  I knew it.  I knew he was near the end but he was still always waiting at the door when we got home.

Many years ago as I was getting ready to leave the office, the last one still there, I heard a loud plaintive meowing outside my rear office door.  It opened onto a kind of wild storage area behind the building.  I went out and tried to find where the sound was coming from but couldn’t find the kitten.  There were feral cats that lived back there.  I figured the mother would find her baby.  I left for the night.

The next morning I was the first one in and I still heard that loud distressful calling out of a lost kitten.  I went out again looking.  The only place I hadn’t looked the night before was in a big pile of old signs stacked up randomly.  I slowly, carefully unstacked the signs one-by-one.  There at the bottom was a tiny kitten.  How he got there I will never know.

I picked him up and brought him inside, setting him carefully on my jacket on the deck.  I called Frank Grasse, our vet and asked if I could bring this kitten in.  “Come right over”, Frank said.  He was the kindest of men and an old friend who had cared for many dogs & a couple of cats for us over the years. 

Frank examined this tiny, little kitten then said “This cat is only eight days old.”  Without even asking me, he handed me a little doll-sized baby bottle and a couple of cans of baby formula then told me “You have a new family member.”  I called Joe and he came to the office and cupped the kitten in his hands to warm him.  We filled the bottle and Joe held it to the tiny mouth that eagerly sucked on the nipple, happy and content.

When we brought him home our dog, Sophie, who had never had pups, immediately began to groom him.  I had filled a box with kitty litter and set him in it.  He immediately knew what to do.  What he didn’t know was how to clean himself after pooping.  If a dog can have a disgusted look on her face, Sophie had it.  She carefully cleaned his little butt, and was his mommy from then on.  We fed him but Sophie watched after him.  We named him Rudi.

Joe was still teaching at the time and brought Rudi to school with him each day, in the box he lived in to keep him from wandering off.  Joe’s students delighted in holding this little guy and feeding him with the tiny bottle of formula.  They were learning how to care for a baby.  Learning how to care for a “pet”.  These kids really grew to love Rudi.

As he grew he did all the cute kitten stuff.  Jumping straight up in the air when I yanked a ball of yarn on a string.  Hiding under the tarp covering the wood pile with his tail sticking out, bring lizards into the house then letting them go.  Lizards would pop up in the strangest places.  I would catch them and let them go well away from the house.

One day a big stray black cat began turning up near the house.  Sophie would chase it away.  I would catch a glimpse of it but figured it would find its way home, but after a few weeks it was clear this cat didn’t have a home to go back to. 

One day when Sophie wasn’t around I called to it and it came right up to me.  Although he seemed quite large, it was a male, I picked him up and he was skin and bones, and fur.  I made a home for him in our large fenced garden that Sophie couldn’t get into.  I would bring him food and water every day.  There was plenty of shade from the tall tomato plants, peppers and rhubarb.  We named him Big

One day I came out to feed Big and there, neatly laid across his bowl was a dead rat.  Not partly eaten or torn up.  I realized it was a thank you gift for me.  I was so touched that I almost cried.  He wanted to let me know how much he appreciated that I had given him a home.  Yes, humans are not the only animals with feelings – like gratitude. Eventually, as winter came on, we moved Big into the house.  He and Sophie came to a truce and eventually became friends.

After some years the country place became too much for us to take care of and we all moved into town - Sophie, Big, Rudi, Joe and me.  They had a big yard of their own.  Eventually Big died, then our beloved Sophie.  Rudi was the last to go, just a few days ago.  The first time in well over four decades that we don’t have a “little one” in the house. 

I’m so grateful that Rudi died quickly and at home.  “That’s how I want to go”, I said.  Of course, none of us knows when or how our inevitable death will come – just that it will someday thank goodness.  Can’t imagine living on and on.  Getting used to death is one gift our pets give us.  They teach us that life, at least physical life, comes to an end.  A lesson I’ve been taught over and over again.

We grieve, but for me, I’m grateful for their friendship.  My dogs and cats have always been family.  Over the years beloved friends and family have died.  How we grieve differs for each of us but ultimately, hopefully, we learn to be grateful along with missing those that have gone on before us. 

Pretty much every day I think of loved ones that have moved on with life’s journey.  Each person, each dog and cat.  Life is a kind of stream that flows.  Sometimes smooth, sometimes rough.  The death of someone we love is one of life’s most difficult experiences.  Illness and disability are certainly part of that journey too.  Life is not always kind, none-the-less that’s part of it all.

 We laid Rudi’s body in front of the fireplace, one of his favorite wintertime spots, as he let go – does some sort of spirt leave the body slowly as some believe?  I don’t know.  It just made us feel better to let him be there for a while.  It’s difficult to let go of the ones we love sometimes, usually.  Inevitable but not easy.   Good bye little boy, and thank you.