MOVE ON

 

JOURNAL

Move On

Bill Barksdale, Columnist

Legendary Broadway composer and songwriter, Stephen Sondheim, wrote a song called Move On for his show Sunday In The Park With George.  “Stop worrying where you’re going.  Move on.”  The whole point of my job as a real estate agent was about just that.  Life is change.  My job was to help my clients with the next step. 

Some people stay in the same house for a long time, others move frequently.  As a child we moved a lot for my Father’s work.  I kind of got used to new schools, different houses.  Change was the theme of that time in my life.  New friends, new schools, different towns.  Even in Willits where I’ve lived much of my adult life I’ve moved three times, developing two country properties and now living in town in a house I’ve lived in the longest. 

Recently we were thinking about “downsizing” to a smaller house.  No doubt we’ll do that someday, but the reality of such a change is complex when one has lived in a house for a long time.  Boy, did I underestimate how much stuff one can collect over time!  I should know better but there you go.  Even after helping people to move on for over three decades and having done it myself, I kind of got overwhelmed by what needed doing to make a move.

My wonderful Sister who chose to move after her husband passed a few years ago has warned me a number of times that this is the time to start getting rid of the clutter.  I admire her ability to methodically organize.  I was great at coordinating multiple, often complicated transactions helping others to make big changes in their lives.  I’ve done it myself in my own life many times, but one forgets.

I was talking with a neighbor the other day who is selling a huge house, now wanting a place “all on one floor”.  That was important for me this last move too.  My brother-in-law insists that if he and my sister-in-law move, the house has to be two stories and he’s in his 80’s with a knee replacement.  He wants what he’s always had, but it seems to me there’s a little denial there.  The kids are grown and have kids of their own.  There’s no need for a great big house anymore. Needs change.

When faced with the practicality of downsizing one has to face aging as a factor.  That’s an emotional change that people often don’t even think of until it’s right there suddenly. Letting go.  Many years ago I helped an older couple sell a home that was their “dream home”.  There were many tears over the months as they had to let go of that dream. 

My job was as much being an understanding therapist as it was coordinating a team of professionals to facilitate my clients’ goals.  When that transaction was complete I received a beautiful large vase of flowers with a little note stuck in it.  I still treasure that note.  It said “Thank you Dr. Barksdale!”  I grew to really care about this couple. The changes they were going through were delicate and very real.  I had to be sensitive to the emotional part of this major move in their lives.

When a person is young moving out of “the nest” of their parent’s home is really a rite of passage into a new stage of independence.  It’s time to begin the adventure of creating a life of one’s own.  Sometimes it’s an escape from a dysfunctional home, sometimes leaving a place where you’ve felt safe and comfortable. 

Moving on into a world where you have to take responsibility for all the things you took for granted , like meals and finding a place to live, paying bills, furniture, school and job, and much more – those are all elements of growing up.  In Jungian psychology it’s like the architype of “the hero’s journey” of being on one’s own going out into the unknown.  In a way, we’re always on that journey because even if one is aware that life is a series of changes, each change is growth into new experience.  It never ends.

I’ve mentioned this before, but in the Tarot there’s a character called “The Fool”.  The Fool architype is someone stepping out but there’s no solid ground ahead. Anything is possible - creativity.  The Fool is courageous in a way, just as The Hero, in that it is the very act of moving on into the unknown that both are embarking on.

There’s the first job, usually a series of jobs.  Most of us have to learn that we are being judged.  “Will I get it”?  In the famous musical, A Chorus Line, there’s a song that goes “Will I get it?  I hope I get it.  I really need this job.”  For some it’s easier than others, but there’s always the next step on that journey – Life’s Journey.  It keeps changing.  Being alive takes courage.

Having children, if you choose that as part of your journey – or even if it happens and you haven’t planned for it – that’s a whole new turning point in life.  Some people want that and are good at it.  Some aren’t so good.  Some learn how to do it well, some are never mature enough to be a good parent.  Good parenting demands getting over yourself and your wants sometimes because there’s a new life you have to care about and nurture, a life you brought into this world. Can you do that?  Think before you take that path.  The responsibility is awesome.  It’s OK if you’re not mature enough to be a parent.  It’s not for everyone, at least not yet.

Old age, if you get there, may take more courage than you ever thought you needed.  My Mother, who died recently at the extreme old age of 102, often said to me “Getting old is not for the faint of heart.” She knew. The body changes.  Health certainly changes.   Resources to just get by change.  One becomes more dependent on others.  Loved ones die or move away.  Physical pain and loneliness are common aspects.  Some plan better than others for this path, but few know what’s next on this journey. 

That sounds kind of ominous.  Something that is crucial is inner strength – attitude.  I don’t know how inner strength is learned other than “looking for the thought that feels better”, as Esther Hicks says.  Sometimes anger feels better than depression – for a short while - but anger is not a healthy place to live.  Anger becomes toxic if you hold on to it.  It stinks as a way of life.

Gratitude of anything that feels better is the next step.  It can be as simple as appreciating a beautiful leaf on the sidewalk, or a warm jacket when it’s cold.  If you’re fortunate enough to have someone in your life that you love – well that’s a great gift.  It can be, and often is, a friend or even a kind word.  I feel better if I simply compliment a stranger about what they’re wearing, or for providing good service.  They may feel better too – that’s a double win! 

Moment-to-moment, each thought helps build inner strength.  It also helps build self-esteem.  Some people have been so beat up in life that self-esteem is a big reach but the thought that feels better is the next step on the path to help build it.  Learn to love yourself.  That’s a great foundation to build on, then you can share love and kindness with others. Find something to appreciate about yourself.  Like I said, gratitude for anything is a good next step, big or small.  Stop worrying where you’re going.  Move on.