THE SCHOOL OF ROSIE

 

THE SCHOOL OF ROSIE

Bill Barksdale, Columnist

Recently the Universe reached out to me and presented me with a kind of miracle.  I was at Savings Bank and my old client and friend of many years, Henrietta Simonsson was there too.  Haven’t seen her for a while.  She happened to mention that she fosters dogs for the Humane Society of Inland Mendocino County and she had something to show me.  On her phone was a short video of a very cute little dog.  “Come here” she called on the video and this sweet tiny dog, a Chihuahua mix – black with big floppy ears ran toward the camera wagging her tail held up in a curly-cue. 

I couldn’t help but let out a laugh of delight.  “I’m fostering her.  She needs a forever home.  Want to adopt her?” Well, I’ve never had a small dog.  My beloved McNab died three-and-a-half years ago after a long happy life.  Didn’t think I’d ever have a dog again but suddenly I was thinking about it.  I showed the video to Joe and it was love at first video-sight.  I forwarded the video to my friend Gail and she emailed back “She’s got a ‘yes’ from me”. 

So, guess what?  Here I sit doing my morning writing with a sweet little bundle stretched out over my lap as I reach awkwardly with my pen over this little silky love-bug snuggled up warming herself on my belly and covering the bottom half of my ‘morning pages’ notebook.  I couldn’t be happier, truly.  We named her Rosie.

She was dumped during the night along with her pups at the Humane Society, caught on their security camera.  She’s about six years old per my friend and veterinarian, Chana.  When I was wavering about adopting her, Chana said matter-of-factly “Why wouldn’t you?  She’s healthy and you need a dog again.”  Chana knows me too well.

I’ve been somewhat down since our old cat, Rudi, died some months ago.  Haven’t been without a little one since.  A big hole in my life but I didn’t realize that was the cause of the low mood.  I can tell you that that dreariness has lifted.  My snuggly Rosie is better than any med. 

For one thing she helps me to quiet my mind and feel peaceful and loving.  She helps me to live in the moment, which after all is all one really has.  I’m not living in the past or worrying about the future.  I’m just here – now.  Being with Rosie and feeling good.  Yes, I can choose to feel fearful or lonely, but that’s not what I want.  Who would?  What I truly want, I have realized, is to be happy.

There is true inner strength in feeling happy.  Caring for her and choosing to be kind gets returned to me many times over.  I don’t know what her past was like, neglect likely.  After all, she’s somewhere around six and was never spayed, having pups that weren’t wanted either – and all of them dumped.  Why people don’t spay or neuter their pets is beyond me.  The Humane Society is at full capacity with dogs and cats that need loving homes.  I mean really – give me a break.  Spay and neuter.  There are even free clinics around town from time-to-time to do it at J.D. Redhouse and sometimes at Mendo Mill – so DO IT for shit sake!  Pardon my French, but really!

I keep learning every day.  That’s part of life’s journey.  I miss loved ones, human and not, that are gone or not near, but I’ve learned to feel gratitude along with the often inevitable sorrow and loss.  That’s OK.  I’m human, but I’ve come to realize that choosing to be happy can become a habit – just as choosing to be fearful or perpetually unhappy can become a habit.  Habits can be changed.  It’s always a choice, moment-to-moment. 

As Rosie curls up next to me she feels safe, we both feel happier.  Depression evaporates and a peaceful joy creeps in to fill the old unwanted spaces.  It’s said that Nature deplores a vacuum, so choosing affection is a decision of what to fill that void with, little-by-little; thought-by-thought.  Habits don’t change in a flash.  It takes deciding to change then doing it – catching that unhappy thought and then deciding to replace it with a ‘Rosie moment’ – searching for a thought that feels better. 

That little head just popped up.  I’m convinced she can read my mind and it’s not even a month yet.  Our animal companions are much more than we realize.  We share being ‘animals’ with them after all. They feel, they grieve, they love and they’re extremely intuitive.  We, as humans, are so much more than what we think we are.  Life is really a kind of tapestry.  We’re always adding a new stitch with every thought.  Sometimes we use the wrong color or we weave in something we don’t want, but that can always be redone.  Thoughts are the threads.  Like I learned from the late Louise Hay, “It’s only a thought and thoughts can be changed”. 

We’re taught what we ‘should’ think by all kinds of institutions and people.  There seems to be no shortage of people who tell you what to do – usually because it advantages them or because it’s what they “believe”.  We’re actually taught to not trust our own intuition.  What a wrong turn that is.  When you really listen to that inner voice, the loving one not the fearful one, you realize that it’s all inside you already.  Life is a school.  You may have heard that.  There’s an old saying “When the student is ready the teacher appears.”  Your own Intuition is the guiding light. 

Fear and anger are teachers, just like love and happiness.  Fear and anger are a path I am often faced with, especially these daze.  That’s the thread I choose to tear out. Boy is that hard sometimes.  The thought that feels better, and by that I mean happier, helps me to ‘right the ship’ to a better direction.  Mixed metaphors but you know what I mean. 

Rosie jumped up onto the bed last night.  She’s beginning to trust me more.  The fearful, abused little dog that first came into my life is opening up, feeling more confident.  Her fear is evaporating.  I like a cool bedroom and as it got a bit too cold this morning around 6 or 7, she suddenly burrowed under the covers.  She’s no dummy.  We all need to burrow under the covers sometimes when life gets too cold. 

One thing I’ve learned on my journey is, I don’t have to ‘like’ everyone.  It’s my journey after all.  Some people are really lost.  They don’t even love themselves.  I don’t want to invite that into my life.   Well, that’s something we’re taught too – to not trust our own selves.  Some people just aren’t a good fit.  It’s OK to not invite everybody in.  They have their own journey to travel.  Bon voyage. 

Louise Hay used to tell her students to look in the mirror and say “I love you”, every day.  Many people couldn’t do that.  They were taught that to say you love yourself is “egotistical” and wrong.  But love begins within.  Can’t truly love someone else if you can’t love yourself.  That’s a good thing, often not understood. 

If you think you might be interested in taking a dog for a walk occasionally at the Humane Society, or foster a dog or cat till it can find its forever home call HSIMC at 707-485-0123 or go to their site at mendohumanesociety.com.  They’re located at 9700 Uva Drive, Redwood Valley just off Hwy 101 between Willits & Ukiah. 

My own fog has lifted since Rosie came home – her forever home – she’s reminded me of the importance of choosing to be happy.  I must say, she’s a great teacher! 

 

Tap Your Troubles Away

 

JOURNAL

Tap Your Troubles Away

Bill Barksdale, Columnist

One of the interesting parts of my job has been all the fascinating people I’ve met over the years.  Hearing their stories, getting to know them and often becoming friends.  Willits is a town where people come from all over the place, often winding up here seemingly by accident, often coming to love the place.

One of the very interesting people I’ve become friends with over the years is Maria Monti.  I first met Maria when she played the mother of a blind son in Leonard Gershe’s romantic comedy Butterflies Are Free at Willits Community Theatre, directed by Joe Dowling.  I wasn’t sure how this story could be funny.  Alexis Silva-Doyle began her romance with Billy Heatherington.  Both bouncing off each other as good actors do.  Alexis was so funny I would laugh for years every time I remembered her performance. 

Things really ramped up when the young blind boy’s overprotective mother entered like a hurricane.  That was Maria!  She blew me away.  What a presence on stage.  Powerful, bossy, over-the-top.  The perfect foil to drive this young couple crazy.  ‘I’ve got to get to know this woman’, I thought to myself.  I love a great comedic actor. We’ve since become friends and have done a couple of shows together.

Maria grew up in Philadelphia, PA.  She began tap dancing at the age of four.  “I could pick it up fast.  I loved it and knew I could do it.” It became a passion and she’s still at it today.  In fact she’ll be teaching a tap class through Mendocino College right here in Willits beginning August 26^th, Saturdays 10a – 1p at Willits Charter High School.  The class is called Dance For The Musical Theater.  If you’ve ever wanted to tap, and who hasn’t, here’s your chance.  Register through Mendocino College.

When Maria graduated from high school she immediately joined the Navy in 1976, for four years.  In those days women were not allowed on the ships so she was a land-lubber where she was trained as a communications technicians receiver – with a Top Secret clearance.  That paid for her college. 

She moved to Napa, got married, attended Sonoma State, got divorced and earned her credential in English.  She wanted to teach theater but there was no “theater” degree to be had in California.  Theater teachers have to be credentialed in “English”.  Strange since theater and movies is one our State’s biggest employers – go figure. 

I asked her why she wanted to become a teacher.  “When I was a kid we played school and I was always the teacher.  I fell into teaching by accident.  But it was from playing school as a child.” 

In Napa Maria began to teach tap and jazz dance at Pam Rogers Academy of Danse (with an S), beginning with children and gradually including adults.  Upon getting her teaching degree it was time to find a more reliable job.  She saw an ad for an English/Drama teacher at Ukiah High in 1996.  That got her to Mendocino County.  She taught all aspects of theater.

Maria says she loved the mix of students in her classes – jocks, disabled kids, popular and not so popular kids.  “The kids supported each other” no matter their status.  “I loved that aspect of teaching theater” she told me.  She still gets contacted by former students thanking her for helping them learn to crawl out of their shells and into life, learning self-confidence, speaking in front of others, working with others successfully.  Skills that help people succeed in almost any career.  That’s the power of theater.

Some years ago I directed Tennessee Williams’ masterpiece, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, for Willits Shakespeare Theater. Maria was the perfect Big Mama, a strong character, a rock who had to know how to stand her ground with her overbearing husband, Big Daddy, and yet still be vulnerable.  A challenging character to play. It was a fascinating project.  Williams’ women are each exquisitely created works of art.   The actor has to really know her stuff.

Maria lives here in Willits/Brooktrails.  When asked how she ended up here in Willits she told me “I couldn’t afford Ukiah then found Willits much more affordable”.  Like many people who have ended up here in Willits, Maria brought her unique set of skills that contribute to the richness of our community. 

Currently she is directing Neil Simon’s beloved play The Odd Couple (the hysterically funny women’s version) scheduled to open September 15^th at Willits Community Theatre.  Look for it and don’t miss it.  Tickets will be on sale soon at https://www.wctperformingartscenter.org/   or call 707-459-0895.  37 W. Van Lane behind the Van Hotel. 

When asked why she chose this play she told me “It’s just a funny show.  If you want a good laugh this is the show.”  I could certainly use some laughter so I’ll be there for sure.  “I love Neil Simon.  I love his humor, the sarcasm.  His humor is more sophisticated.  He takes opposite personalities and puts them together - a slob and a neat-freak.  Their friendship grows from their differences.  It’s about dealing with friendship, the good and the challenging.  These people might drive you crazy but they would give you the shirts off their backs.”

I asked her what she likes about making live theater.  “Working with actors, crew, and designers – it’s collaborative.”  She loves the ideas, coming together, all working toward a final creation.  “I just love the process.”

“People grow with each experience.  Being directed (by a good director) is like an acting class.  Cast and crew grow and learn a lot about the craft.  They feel more confident and proud about what they’re producing.”  “You’re learning life skills with anything you do in theater, how to speak and use words.  You come out into the world and communicate, be on time.  You learn how to read people – their behavior, how to talk in front of people.”

“I’m finding that being retired I can be ‘doing it’.  Theater and drama are my hobbies and life.  I want to direct

more.  I loved working with teenagers.  They kept me young.  Now I want to work with adults too.  There’s no pressure of ‘a job’ now. 

Maria Monti is one of those people who has made my life more interesting, happier, and yes - richer. 

Pushy Pigs – Dealing With Bullies

 

Pushy Pigs – Dealing With Bullies

Bill Barksdale, Columnist

When I was a kid a person who was aggressive, thoughtless and/or cruel was often referred to as a “pushy pig”.  An unfortunate term since humans have a long history of cruelty toward pigs and other animals that are commercially raised for us to eat.  But that’s another story.  Today I’m writing about the social and psychological problem of “Bullying”.  

What is “bullying”?  “Bullying is aggressive behavior that involves an imbalance of power or strength.”  “Typically, bullying is repeated time and time again.”  “Bullying in the 21^st century has reached a whole new level.  It involves the complex vortex of the internet.”  Bullies “lack a sense of empathy and concern for others.”

I’m indebted to the Willits Public Library and our wonderful Branch Supervisor, Denise Jessie, for helping me locate some of the materials I used to research this topic.  Neither Denise nor the library system are responsible for any of the content of this column.  The topic and choices of content are all mine.

Two resources I relied heavily on are the DVD Stop Bullying Now! Video Toolkit produced by the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services Bullying Campaign, and the book BULLYING, produced by the Current Controversies Series, Noah Berlatsky, Editor.  Both are available at our local library and if you are interested I urge you to check these out to learn more.  There’s a lot more useful information available in these sources and the internet.

When I was in the 5^th grade at recess one of the class “jocks”, Jim, got about six of his buddies to pull me over to a corner of the playground far from any teacher.  Jim had two of his buddies grab me by the arms and hold me back then gave me a terrific punch in the abdomen which knocked all the air out of my lungs leaving me gasping for breath and staggering to stand up.  The seven jock bullies stood around me laughing.  We’re talking about eleven year old kids.

I never knew why this happened but I’ve never forgotten it.  It’s typical bully behavior.  Cowards all, obviously.  It was one kid assaulted by a gang of seven, encouraged by one “leader”.  Don’t know what Jim’s family was like but bullying is often passed from parent to child. It’s not always physical – rumors, gossiping, exclusion and now cyberbullying through social media are part of the mix.

Per my research, bullies are often some of the “cool kids”, jocks, cool girls (I was shocked to learn that there is a lot of bullying by girls toward other girls.), and even by some teachers.  I recall one particularly sadistic high school Physical Ed teacher who loved to put any boy he felt wasn’t “man enough” in the center of the “dodge-ball” circle then stand back watching as that kid got pummeled over and over by the cool kids. He taught bullying, not physical education.  This “teacher” needed psychological help. 

Obviously bully-behavior is just as prevalent in adults as in children.  Children model the behavior of their parents or other authority figures in their lives.  We all learn that way to some extent.  Some research has concluded that bullies often “grow up in homes where there is inconsistent discipline. Parents have big mood swings.  There is little positive parent / child interaction.”  And of course, the children are often abused.

“Children who bully are far more likely to become adults who batter their spouse, abuse their children, and sadly to produce another generation of bullies.” says Randy Wiler, Director Kansas Bullying Prevention Program.  He’s a law enforcement official.   “Bullying is abuse, not conflict.”

We’re seeing bully-behavior show up more often in a big way in politics and even religion these days.  That’s where the term “bully pulpit” comes from. 

Bullied kids often exhibit signs of depression, hopelessness and sometimes consider suicide.  They don’t want to go to school.  Often develop low self-esteem and are made to feel “less than”.  U.S. military private, Danny Chen, committed suicide after constant bullying and harassment by fellow solders while in Afghanistan.  He was only nineteen.  War itself is often bullying on a major scale.

A study by the U.S. Secret Service and U.S. Department of Education has found that in many cases, “student shooters have been bullied, persecuted or injured by others prior to the attack”.  Sometimes it’s just fear tactics used by politicians and misguided community leaders that inspire violence.  People who are manipulated through fear tactics will often give up their freedom in a misguided attempt to try to feel safe, or they become the aggressive psychopath.  In the U.S. today there is a mass-shooting virtually every day!  WTF!

Adult bullying has manifested in violent ways in places like Canada’s Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the National Football League, Police Academies where inappropriate military-style training teaches aggressive abusive behavior toward civilians, immigrant abuse, and in workplace situations, sexism, anti-LGBT & ageism, and most certainly in today’s politics. 

Teachers, who already have stressful jobs are forced to meet unrealistic goals and are often denigrated by politicians and even superiors and parents.  Not to mention the rise in school shootings.  As a society we must seriously address these and other intolerable situations.  Be the one who stands up and says something.  Demand change.  Vote for the politician who actually articulates solutions.  Anyone can bitch but only the honorable, thoughtful leader will offer real workable solutions. No reasonable solutions to offer?  Get out of leadership. 

Begin looking for solutions and more clarity at https://www.stopbullying.gov/.  This site offers suggestions regarding: Cyberbullying, how to prevent & respond – What Schools Can Do, Establishing and enforcing Policies – Federal Law, Civil Rights cases & law – What Kids Can Do, Are you being bullied or are you seeing it at your school, Things you can do to keep your child and community safer.  There are a number of other sites on the net. 

There’s also https://www.nasn.org/home, The National Association of School Nurses.  This organization guides those interested in the specialized skill of School Nursing.  This organization also has a bullying program.

Per the Journal of the American Medical Association “Approximately 30% of all youth in grades 6 – 10 have been bullied or have bullied other children.”  That’s a lot of children subject to abuse by their peers.  Add to that adults who bully children and each other.  Truly an epidemic, often deadly. 

To stop fostering another generation of bullies we need to “teach kids strategies to help themselves when they are in a bullying situation.”  “Who’s going to stop this?  If not you then who?  Take a stand.  Lend a hand.  Stop bullying now.”

One helpful tool that is increasingly used in schools is an anonymous survey given to students to assess the bullying issues in the school.  You can go to https://www.stopbullying.gov/prevention/assess-bullying to find help in developing such a survey.  Like rape, students are often reluctant to report bullying out of fear or embarrassment or “the code of silence”.  That’s why an anonymous written survey can be very useful to help identify problem areas in each school. 

Teachers, administrators and parents must all be involved in addressing this problem, along with students.  Students in school are there to be taught how to succeed in life.  “Bullies have a profound impact in making the community feel less safe.  There are consequences for hurting others.  There is a higher likelihood that young bullies will be involved with the criminal justice system.” 

Sometimes antibullying programs don’t work well.  This is a delicate situation that requires thoughtful consideration and research.  Find out what works or doesn’t from others who have worked on this.  The book Bullying talks about this.

Christopher Bergland’s great article in Psychology Today, titled What Tactics Motivate Bullies to Stop Bullying is very informative and well researched.  It’s an easy read and a good resource.  Find it at https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-athletes-way/201404/what-tactics-motivate-bullies-stop-bullying

Suicide prevention help lines in the U.S. include: 

Crisis Text Line Text HOME to 741741
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline	1-800-273-8255
Trans Lifeline	1-877-565-8860 (for the transgender community)
TrevorLifeline	1-866-488-7386 (for LGBTQ youth)
Veterans Crisis Line	1-800-273-8255, Press 1

https://www.cdc.gov/suicide/index.html

There’s more information on this important topic.  If you care, use the resources I’ve cited and look on the net for more information.  And by the way, Thanks for Caring!

Bill Barksdale was inducted into the 2016 Realtor® Hall of Fame, and served as Chair of the County of Mendocino Assessment Appeals Board settling property tax disputes between the County Assessor & citizens and businesses.  DRE# 01106662, Coldwell Banker Mendo Realty Inc.  Read more of Bill’s columns on his blog at www.bbarksdale.com  707-459-1200